March 3rd 2005

(Excerpt from my journal.)  Anguish.  Gut-wrenching anguish.  Something awful has happened.  Shelby is in surgery right now for a mistake that the Dr made while preforming a heart surgery on my sweet Shelby.  The Indocin did not work so they decided that on March 1st they would be doing surgery to close the PDA valve in her heart.  I was a nervous wreck but all seemed to go well with the surgery.   I went home that evening feeling good.  They called me later on that night and told me that something seemed weird.  Her oxygen levels were not doing well.  I told them to call me if anything changed.  The next morning I woke up early to get to the hospital.  They had done a scan of her heart but could not figure out what was going on.  You were constantly desaturating and they had to keep bagging you.  I stayed all day while they were figuring it out.  That night after the 3rd scan of your body they realized that the Dr clamped your left pulmonary artery to your lung instead of your PDA.  They said they would have to transfer you to Primary Children's to preform the reversal but that it was a very dangerous procedure.  They use titanium clamps which are incredibly hard to bend and even if they could get it off, the chances of you bleeding out are high.  They gave me a room to be in so that I could process this information.  I leave that night terrified. This morning my mom calls me and tells me to get to the hospital immediately.  Shelby is not well.  I cry the whole way in.  I walk into the NICU and fear overwhelms me.  There are about 6 people surrounding you and working on you. You have 3 chest tubes coming out of your body. Your oxygen saturation's are at 30% and maintaining.  The respiratory therapist is bagging you.  The nurse, Ruby is so overcome with grief that even she is not able to speak. They are trying to transport you but you are too unstable. They close the NICU while they try to figure this out.  I cant lose you Shelby.  They finally decide that it is now or never.  They came to me and told me that I need to say goodbye to you.  I can't.  I pray the hardest that I ever have in my life. I need a miracle.  They think that a medical helicopter is too noisy for your frail body so they decide on an ambulance transfer.  I followed the ambulance up to Primary Children's.  We are in a waiting room now.  Waiting for the call.  Please let it be good news.